Sans Signification
by ParadoxPoca
Summary: Kyle is getting tired of the normal routine. Stan never hangs out with him anymore, and Kenny is the only one that talks to him. What if one person's words is enough to change his mindset, though?


**AN: This is a bit old, but I really like what I made Kenny say in this one. I probably didn't improve much anyway... Also, first fic on this site *cheers***

**Enjoy~**

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I stared at the door.

Today was the same. I woke up, rode the bus, went to school, went home, did homework, went to sleep. I would be involved in one of Cartman's schemes unintentionally every once in a while, but that was the only thing different.

And even now, arguments are rare.

Once again, I find myself staring at the door to my room.

_In here._

I turned the knob and walked in. With a thud I landed on my bed and plugged in my headphones to my phone. Music was my retreat.

I glanced to the night stand beside me. My fingers neared the knife I keep in case of "emergency" as they rapped against the wood. Every beat of the song was accompanied by the thud of a finger on the night stand. My eyes still rest on the blade that was dangerously close.

I got up with a sigh. I would never be strong enough to actually do it.

Even if I _wanted_ to.

Yet it was so easy. So quick. I would just have to do one swift motion, and it would be over. There was nothing holding me back, there shouldn't be anything holding me back, so why can't I do it?

After dinner, I slept.

I woke up the next morning.

I rode the bus.

Maybe I should walk to school tomorrow?

It would be a change for once.

"Hey."

Kenny was the only one who greeted me any more. Cartman just grunts or insults me whenever I arrive, and Stan is never off the phone with Wendy, or planning something with Wendy, or going somewhere with _Wendy_. I still wonder if we're still super best friends.

I mumbled a reply, to which the blonde sighed. I had this feeling that he knew something about me. It always had me uneasy.

School continued like normal. Kenny asked if I could talk with him in private, to which I hoped I didn't sound too enthusiastic when I accepted. It was great to actually talk to someone one on one. It was great to actually stray from the usual routine.

"Uh, what was it you wanted to talk about?" Maybe I should've asked why before I accepted, though.

"Kyle, I feel like there's something you aren't telling me. Something important."

Was it that obvious?

My breathing hitched. I thought I had it under the wraps, not even Ike knew about this. Hoping that he thought that "something" was anything but what I thought it was, I tried to play it off as nothing.

"I'm not sure what you mean... but if I've been acting weird, maybe it's 'cause I never talk to Stan anymore? You know, he influenced me a lot as kids..."

"Kyle, this is serious. Scratch that, I don't feel like something's wrong. I know something's wrong. I want to help you, but I can't if you don't let me."

My heart raced. How did he know? How did anyone know? I wanted to die. To crawl in a hole and die.

Heh, if only I were able to.

"I... Okay. I think... I think I know what you're talking about." No point in hiding it anymore, right?

But how should I approach this?

I decided to just let it happen. I still don't know if that was a great choice or not.

"So... I may be, um, a little bit... _suicidal_?"

It probably wasn't. I'm terrible. That was way too blunt. I can't believe I just put it out there.

His face looked like a mixture of worry, fear, and... _understanding_? It wasn't a sympathetic understanding, either. It almost looked like he was there before, like he couldn't blame me.

"Kyle, believe me. I know life can be hard. It can be difficult to get through, with all those obstacles, but it is possible. If I could describe life, I would have to use words that don't even exist. It's okay to feel that way. But please don't act upon that feeling. You just have to look at the good things, be optimistic."

He ended with a smile. It was warm and sincere, but I could almost feel a lie in what he was saying. I didn't know what to do, so I panicked.

"**That's just it**! There are no obstacles! It's the same thing, over and over again, and I think that even if the next world is nothingness that it would be more exciting!" My outburst surprised even myself. My face was red, but I dismissed it for anger. My eyes glistened with tears.

Did I just do that?

Before I could calm down, I watched Kenny's reaction. It seems even he can't hide everything since his face showed shock and that feeling from before. How could he possibly understand?

He changed all too quickly back to the face he wore before. I already know the blonde is an expert at hiding things.

"Kyle, you and I know I was lying about a few things. Life... really isn't all it's cut out to be,"

I sniffed and remained quiet.

"It's always said to be difficult, but worth it. Yet, it's not so hard after a while. Really, you think dying will make things different,"

"But it doesn't. Even dying can get old and repetitive sometimes. I don't know if any of this is making sense, but... just realize, life is special. Most have only one. Even if life is boring, it's still great. I'm in love with life. It's full of choices and decisions that make everything different in ways you don't realize."

"Even me, someone who really never has the chance to fully experience life, longs to know it. You're lucky. You can live with the worst thing happening is a paper cut. There's more out there for you, more that I can't have."

"I want to live like that, carefree. I want to live differently. I don't want this to keep happening. But that longing for something new is what keeps us human. Mankind is depraved; we're never satisfied. That's what keeps us going. If we just wanted one thing, then got it, most of the world would have killed themselves long ago."

I was stunned. I could only watch in awe. Kenny was being more thoughtful than I anticipated. He knew much more than I could ever expect.

How often did he think about this?

"So don't think killing yourself is the answer. Trust me, I should know. Being human is what I love about you. It's what I love about Stan and Cartman. It's a bit of what I love about myself. I don't want to admit it, but I love myself. I thought I hated myself, I thought I wasn't good for others or good for me. If you're stuck in that mindset, then it'll stay true."

His demeanor quickly changed from grim and dark to a lighthearted smile. It shined in the darkness I thought my life was. His eyes now showed a joyous glint.

"I can tell you think about this all the time. Just don't. If you dwell on things, you won't be able to move on to new things. Different things, just like you've been wanting for so long. Just enjoy life. Don't think about how, just do. You will enjoy it if you just try. All you need is to try, you don't even have to put too much effort in it. If you attempt to like it, even the same things can be enjoyable. Please, just hear me out on this. Life is amazing and can be changed in a blink of an eye."

He was smiling to the sky earlier, but now his grin was directed to me. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, but I quickly dismissed those feelings since they would do me no good. Tears stained my cheeks now, but they were happy ones. Ones that reassured me I was here, that reassured me I was processing what he said. I tried to return a sheepish smile, to which he laughed.

"You're trying way too hard, but at least you're trying."

I punched him in the arm and showed off a _real_ smile that I haven't worn in too long.

"**_Dude_**!"


End file.
